I am the mother of two beautiful children. In my eyes they are proof of a Grace that is so Great it is beyond comparison or words. I have a wonderful, hard-working husband who also happens to be a great father. I am a blessed and happy woman. I don’t know what you personally believe in, but I am a believer in God’s everlasting love. He loved me though a very hard time in my life. He loved me though losing Logan …. And it has been put upon my heart to share my story with you. Maybe my experience can help another woman out there who needs peace, like I once needed it.
When my son, my first child, was born, it was everything that everyone tells you but can never truly explain. He was the most beautiful and perfect being I had ever set my eyes on and I was madly in love with him immediately. We brought him home and it was my first taste of being a Mommy Do-It-All. I was filled with a need to care for him myself, with no help. I felt it was my job to raise this child, and everyone else could help along the way if they wanted. My body was in the midst of returning to a somewhat normal place and was changing daily. So imagine my surprise, when 5 months after my son’s birth date, I realized I might be pregnant again. I was filled with shock and panic when the two pink lines immediately popped up on that pregnancy test. There was no way I could do this!! I was much too busy with my son to even think about another child this early!! How could I have let this happen?!?! I DON’T WANT THIS RIGHT NOW!! This may sound selfish to everyone reading it, and believe me, it pains me to remember feeling this way, but I did. I was very upset when I found out I was pregnant, when my son was only 5 months old. The days went on, and we began telling close family and friends and also figured out that I was probably about 8 weeks pregnant already… I was probably just too busy to notice earlier. I was getting more and more used to the idea and excitement and happiness began to take the place where shock and panic had once been. My heart would be even fuller than ever!! Another baby to love the way I love my son. It’s a miracle really. How could I not be thankful for such a miracle!! I embraced this new baby and began making plans for Logan. That was the baby’s name. Girl or boy, he or she would be Logan.
My first appointment for Logan would be at 12 weeks. I couldn’t wait to see the little baby on the ultrasound screen!! The Friday before my Monday appointment came, and I was met with the fact that something could be wrong. I called my doctor and they assured me that spotting could be perfectly normal, but to come on in and we would check it out, just to be sure. I called my husband, who was immediately on his way to meet me at the doctor’s office. With my small son in his infant seat in the back of the car, I drove and I prayed for Logan. Once at the doctor’s office, they took us back to the ultrasound room to take a look. My doctor was quiet, too quiet the entire time. She showed me what was what, which I already knew a lot about since having my son. But there was one thing that wasn’t the same. There was no little flicker of a heart beating. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I never cried when she told me I lost the baby. I just said “okay”, but when she left the room, I broke down in my husband’s arms.
I was so angry with myself. I had started off not wanting this baby, and now I couldn’t have Logan. How could I have thought those things when I found out I was pregnant?? Am I being punished for not realizing this gift that was given to me?? It took me awhile, but I realized my gift!!!! I wanted this baby!! I wanted Logan!! There is no easy way to go through a miscarriage. I don’t know what’s worse. Losing your child when you have no other children to lean on, or losing your child and knowing EXACTLY what you had just lost. Either way Logan was gone, and I was deeply hurting. I can remember the day it happened. I was sitting, feeling sorry for myself once again. I was so mad that I had lived those few days where I had not wanted Logan. It tore me apart. I was reliving those three days … Constantly reliving them and getting more and more furious with myself. But peace was mine. The Lord showered me with it. I felt Him speaking to me and telling me that it was all okay. I HAD wanted Logan. Even in my shock and dismay in the beginning, I had wanted Logan. Even on those few days when I was feeling that way, I would have never let anyone take Logan away from me. That baby was mine and I had loved it. Sadness was okay, but regret was not. I loved Logan.
The days went on, and each got easier, though the pain of losing a baby still hits me. I hear the name Logan sometimes, and I smile now. Because I have a Logan too. I went on to have my daughter. She is a blessing and my heart is so full because of her and my son. I never have a day that goes by that I do not realize how blessed I am. I cried during some points as I wrote this. Not because of regret, but because of hope and faith. I was meant to raise these two beautiful children God gave me. I was meant to shape them, mold them and be their mother here on this earth. I was not meant to do those things with my Logan, but that doesn’t mean that Logan isn’t waiting for me. I have many loved ones that have passed, and I can’t help but believe they will be standing there in Heaven, holding my Logan when I get there. Then it will be my turn to finally hold that angel child. What a blessing to have something so precious to look forward to. My hope is, that if someone else has gone through, is going through, or someday has a miscarriage, you will remember the faith that grew in me after Losing Logan. It was on my heart to share this, so I am sure it was meant for someone. I hope it gets to them when they need it.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
"Fearing Frogs :-) "
I am horrendously, crazily, illogically and hysterically afraid of frogs. Really all amphibians or reptiles. I know some of you are nodding your heads saying, “Me too, girl!! They FREAK me out!!” While others are shaking their heads in disbelief saying, “Whoever heard of a KILLER FROG?!?!” I do not fear for my life when they are near… HOWEVER, my heart does start to beat a little faster, butterflies start swarming in my stomach and my palms may get a little sweaty. I blame it on the fact that amphibians are a little too “jumpy” for me. You never know when they are going to come flying through the air and land somewhere near you. It’s a little startling!! And reptiles, well, let’s just say I’m not a big fan of ANYTHING that can move faster than I can.
I blame this fear on my sweet, loving Mommy, who was ALSO afraid of these animals. She would jump and scream when they came near her, so my reaction was to also run like a maniac for safety!! As children, our natural reaction is to always follow Mommy’s lead. If Mommy acts petrified and is afraid of something, it’s probably not a good idea for you to be around it also. I’ve tried my best to control myself in front of my children. I want them to understand the difference in not particularly “liking” something and actually needing to be afraid of it. A busy highway, a stranger, or the swimming pool without Mommy equals DANGER!! Be AFRAID…. BE VERY AFRAID!! A frog, a cricket or a little green lizard doesn’t REALLY make that list. I want my kids to be FEARLESS unless necessary. I want them to try new things, be leaders, not followers, and form a path full of adventure!! I want to teach them, by my actions and words, the hazardous things in this world that may actually harm them, and also the fun and excitement of conquering those fears that are, in fact, nothing to be afraid of.
So, for those of you who nodded your head along with me in agreement to my fear of frogs, I had a life altering moment yesterday. A green rain frog hopped his way into my house. What did I do? I screamed and fear took over. At that moment, I saw the same fear in my daughter’s eyes. She was petrified of this little frog, and it wasn’t the frog that was making her scared. It was my reaction to little green Kermit that was fueling her fright. I did not want her to be afraid, because I knew, in my grown-up logic, that Mr. Frog was NOT going to hurt her…. Or me. I chased that little frog until I caught it. Then I held it in my hand for her to see and touch. Then, we released him back outside, where he belongs. She smiled at me and my Mommy Do-It-All cape went flying in the wind!! What a proud moment!! I am teaching her, and at the same time she is teaching me!! After our sweet mother and daughter moment, we THOROUGHLY washed our hands and went along with our day. Maybe tomorrow, we’ll catch a lizard!! ;-)
I blame this fear on my sweet, loving Mommy, who was ALSO afraid of these animals. She would jump and scream when they came near her, so my reaction was to also run like a maniac for safety!! As children, our natural reaction is to always follow Mommy’s lead. If Mommy acts petrified and is afraid of something, it’s probably not a good idea for you to be around it also. I’ve tried my best to control myself in front of my children. I want them to understand the difference in not particularly “liking” something and actually needing to be afraid of it. A busy highway, a stranger, or the swimming pool without Mommy equals DANGER!! Be AFRAID…. BE VERY AFRAID!! A frog, a cricket or a little green lizard doesn’t REALLY make that list. I want my kids to be FEARLESS unless necessary. I want them to try new things, be leaders, not followers, and form a path full of adventure!! I want to teach them, by my actions and words, the hazardous things in this world that may actually harm them, and also the fun and excitement of conquering those fears that are, in fact, nothing to be afraid of.
So, for those of you who nodded your head along with me in agreement to my fear of frogs, I had a life altering moment yesterday. A green rain frog hopped his way into my house. What did I do? I screamed and fear took over. At that moment, I saw the same fear in my daughter’s eyes. She was petrified of this little frog, and it wasn’t the frog that was making her scared. It was my reaction to little green Kermit that was fueling her fright. I did not want her to be afraid, because I knew, in my grown-up logic, that Mr. Frog was NOT going to hurt her…. Or me. I chased that little frog until I caught it. Then I held it in my hand for her to see and touch. Then, we released him back outside, where he belongs. She smiled at me and my Mommy Do-It-All cape went flying in the wind!! What a proud moment!! I am teaching her, and at the same time she is teaching me!! After our sweet mother and daughter moment, we THOROUGHLY washed our hands and went along with our day. Maybe tomorrow, we’ll catch a lizard!! ;-)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
"You're a Stay Home Mommy, so your house is ALWAYS clean, right?"
I had someone say to me, “Since you’re a stay at home Mommy, I guess your house is always clean.” The laughter that ensued after that remark left my sides somewhat sore, but the more I thought about it, I am sure this is a common misconception. I can understand where the confusion can start. After all, we are “home” all day long. We should be able to keep the house clean, right? WRONG!! I thought it might help this misconception for me to post my daily schedule for you, and the things that take place on a regular basis, so that you can read what I do all day… and maybe understand why it’s sometimes difficult for a stay home Mommy to keep a spotless home.
6:30 a.m. – This is what time my kids internal alarm clock screams, “GO MAKE SURE MOMMY IS UP!!” Which usually I am.
6:35 a.m. – This is when my kids tummy calls out to be nourished. So I am cooking breakfast, usually oatmeal, by now.
7:00 a.m. – The kids are fed and I am helping my husband get out the door. I’ve already made his coffee and his lunch and I am standing at the door with both in hand and trying to smile. Then put Neverland Pirates on for the kids!!
7:05 a.m. – I like to get myself ready before I dress the kids, it seems to help me function better. SO – I am getting dressed – clothes, makeup, hair, teeth brushed, contacts, jewelry YADA YADA YADA!!!
7:30 a.m. – Getting the kids dressed now - two sets of clothes, two sets of teeth, brushing his hair, styling her hair, putting on shoes and socks and cleaning out eyes and noses.
8:00 a.m. – Now I’m making my son’s lunch, signing his school folder and packing him up to head off to school.
8:15 a.m. – Time to load up for school!! Get the kids loaded up and we’re off. Round trip to take my son to school is about 35 minutes. Which has me back home about…..
8:50 a.m. – I’m back home!!! Now it’s time to clean up after breakfast!! Not to mention the fact that, during some of the time above, the kids were dragging out toys and games that now need to be put away.
9:20 a.m. – Okay, now the house is, somewhat, cleaned up. Now I’ll sit down with my daughter and play an educational game. (It’s not like we can ignore them all day – They ARE our job!!)
10:00 a.m. – My daughter says it’s SNACK TIME!! So off I go to make a snack!! Maybe some Ants on a Log for fun?!?! Okay!! Snack and juice time for my angel.
10:15 a.m. – Okay…. I’ll try to do 30 minutes of cleaning – GO!!
10:45 a.m. – Time to cook lunch and feed our faces!!
11:30 a.m. – Okay, we’re all fed and it’s nap time for my daughter. Gather the blankie, Molly the Monkey and her pillow pet and we’re off!!! Lay her down, kiss her and maybe sing a little song. (And pray that today isn’t one of those days it takes her an hour to go to sleep!!)
12:00 p.m. – Time to clean up after lunch and morning play time!!
12:30 p.m. – Okay it’s picked up… for now…. Now maybe I can get in another 30 minutes of deep cleaning…. GO!!!!
1:00 p.m. – The little angel is up and has already drug out so many toys it looks like Toys R Us threw up in our house. *Sigh*
1:30 p.m. – Time for some ABC’s and 123’s with my daughter!! Gotta get her ready for school. I am her teacher!!
2:00 p.m. – Time to go pick up my son!! YAY!!
2:35 p.m. – BACK HOME!!! Time for afternoon snack – Granola bars it is!!
2:45 p.m. - Clean up after snack time!!
3:00 p.m. - Time to go play outside!! (Yup, I kinda have to go too, since my daughter is only 2 – but they have to have time outdoors!!) So I will chase them around the yard until ….
4:00 p.m. – YIKES!! Round the kids up – it’s time to go inside!! Get them in, get shoes off and dumped out (this IS necessary) and hands and faces cleaned up.
4:30 p.m. – Put on Bubble Guppies for the kiddos, it’s time to start dinner!!!! COOKING……
5:30 p.m. – Hubby is home and it’s dinner time!! Stuff our faces and we’re out the door… Why??
6:00 p.m. – Because now it’s time for soccer practice!! GO TY!!
7:15 p.m. – Home from practice “Whew”. Get all unloaded and in the house.
7:30 p.m. – Bath time!! Get our baths, pajamas on, teeth brushed and hair combed.
8:00 p.m. – Time for a little play time with Daddy – I know Daddy wishes it would last longer… BUT…
8:15 p.m. – It’s story and prayer time. Tuck them into bed, and everything is quiet. Maybe I should relax… Yeah right!!!
8:30 p.m. – I never got the kitchen cleaned up after dinner!! I have to clean up!!
9:00 p.m. – The kitchen is as good as it’s going to get so I guess I’ll pick up all the toys and games that got drug out today – They’ll stay put, at least until 6:30 tomorrow morning.
9:30 p.m. – Collapse on the couch and try to spend some time with the hubby.
GO TO BED AFTER MY HUSBAND WAKES ME UP TO GET OFF THE COUCH!!
Let me just say that even this schedule of events does not touch what we do as stay at home Mommy’s. It’s not an “easy way out” if that’s what you’re looking for or a lazy person’s job. I know that working Mommy’s are busy too, and I have AMPLE amounts of respect for them; however, we are also working mothers. We are basically a day care. We have less amounts of kids, at times, and less help than a day care, but in essence we turned our homes and lives into a constant Child Care Factory when we decided to stay home with our babies. Imagine the amount of work it takes to keep a daycare clean and organized. You must ALWAYS be cleaning up after the kids, meal times and messes. It’s a never ending job, with no time off to go get my hair done or even a quick errand alone during a lunch break. The kids never leave THIS daycare, which can sometimes make cleanup and inventory an issue. We are constantly Mommy Do-It-All. It’s what we do and who we are. You should know that I LOVE my job!! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I feel like I was made to do this at this point in my life. Some Mommy’s do not. It doesn’t make me any better or worse, just different. So, to the person who said to me, “Since you’re a stay at home Mommy, I guess your house is always clean.” – No. Even though I’m home all day, my house is not always clean. It’s filled with toys, sticky floors, snotty noses, dirty diapers, spilled snacks, screaming, whining, crying and laughing. It’s a classroom, a doctor’s office, a GIANT playroom and sometimes even an enormous jungle gym, but clean all the time, it is not. Maybe one day it will be. Then I will have mastered the art of being Mommy Do-It-All.
6:30 a.m. – This is what time my kids internal alarm clock screams, “GO MAKE SURE MOMMY IS UP!!” Which usually I am.
6:35 a.m. – This is when my kids tummy calls out to be nourished. So I am cooking breakfast, usually oatmeal, by now.
7:00 a.m. – The kids are fed and I am helping my husband get out the door. I’ve already made his coffee and his lunch and I am standing at the door with both in hand and trying to smile. Then put Neverland Pirates on for the kids!!
7:05 a.m. – I like to get myself ready before I dress the kids, it seems to help me function better. SO – I am getting dressed – clothes, makeup, hair, teeth brushed, contacts, jewelry YADA YADA YADA!!!
7:30 a.m. – Getting the kids dressed now - two sets of clothes, two sets of teeth, brushing his hair, styling her hair, putting on shoes and socks and cleaning out eyes and noses.
8:00 a.m. – Now I’m making my son’s lunch, signing his school folder and packing him up to head off to school.
8:15 a.m. – Time to load up for school!! Get the kids loaded up and we’re off. Round trip to take my son to school is about 35 minutes. Which has me back home about…..
8:50 a.m. – I’m back home!!! Now it’s time to clean up after breakfast!! Not to mention the fact that, during some of the time above, the kids were dragging out toys and games that now need to be put away.
9:20 a.m. – Okay, now the house is, somewhat, cleaned up. Now I’ll sit down with my daughter and play an educational game. (It’s not like we can ignore them all day – They ARE our job!!)
10:00 a.m. – My daughter says it’s SNACK TIME!! So off I go to make a snack!! Maybe some Ants on a Log for fun?!?! Okay!! Snack and juice time for my angel.
10:15 a.m. – Okay…. I’ll try to do 30 minutes of cleaning – GO!!
10:45 a.m. – Time to cook lunch and feed our faces!!
11:30 a.m. – Okay, we’re all fed and it’s nap time for my daughter. Gather the blankie, Molly the Monkey and her pillow pet and we’re off!!! Lay her down, kiss her and maybe sing a little song. (And pray that today isn’t one of those days it takes her an hour to go to sleep!!)
12:00 p.m. – Time to clean up after lunch and morning play time!!
12:30 p.m. – Okay it’s picked up… for now…. Now maybe I can get in another 30 minutes of deep cleaning…. GO!!!!
1:00 p.m. – The little angel is up and has already drug out so many toys it looks like Toys R Us threw up in our house. *Sigh*
1:30 p.m. – Time for some ABC’s and 123’s with my daughter!! Gotta get her ready for school. I am her teacher!!
2:00 p.m. – Time to go pick up my son!! YAY!!
2:35 p.m. – BACK HOME!!! Time for afternoon snack – Granola bars it is!!
2:45 p.m. - Clean up after snack time!!
3:00 p.m. - Time to go play outside!! (Yup, I kinda have to go too, since my daughter is only 2 – but they have to have time outdoors!!) So I will chase them around the yard until ….
4:00 p.m. – YIKES!! Round the kids up – it’s time to go inside!! Get them in, get shoes off and dumped out (this IS necessary) and hands and faces cleaned up.
4:30 p.m. – Put on Bubble Guppies for the kiddos, it’s time to start dinner!!!! COOKING……
5:30 p.m. – Hubby is home and it’s dinner time!! Stuff our faces and we’re out the door… Why??
6:00 p.m. – Because now it’s time for soccer practice!! GO TY!!
7:15 p.m. – Home from practice “Whew”. Get all unloaded and in the house.
7:30 p.m. – Bath time!! Get our baths, pajamas on, teeth brushed and hair combed.
8:00 p.m. – Time for a little play time with Daddy – I know Daddy wishes it would last longer… BUT…
8:15 p.m. – It’s story and prayer time. Tuck them into bed, and everything is quiet. Maybe I should relax… Yeah right!!!
8:30 p.m. – I never got the kitchen cleaned up after dinner!! I have to clean up!!
9:00 p.m. – The kitchen is as good as it’s going to get so I guess I’ll pick up all the toys and games that got drug out today – They’ll stay put, at least until 6:30 tomorrow morning.
9:30 p.m. – Collapse on the couch and try to spend some time with the hubby.
GO TO BED AFTER MY HUSBAND WAKES ME UP TO GET OFF THE COUCH!!
Let me just say that even this schedule of events does not touch what we do as stay at home Mommy’s. It’s not an “easy way out” if that’s what you’re looking for or a lazy person’s job. I know that working Mommy’s are busy too, and I have AMPLE amounts of respect for them; however, we are also working mothers. We are basically a day care. We have less amounts of kids, at times, and less help than a day care, but in essence we turned our homes and lives into a constant Child Care Factory when we decided to stay home with our babies. Imagine the amount of work it takes to keep a daycare clean and organized. You must ALWAYS be cleaning up after the kids, meal times and messes. It’s a never ending job, with no time off to go get my hair done or even a quick errand alone during a lunch break. The kids never leave THIS daycare, which can sometimes make cleanup and inventory an issue. We are constantly Mommy Do-It-All. It’s what we do and who we are. You should know that I LOVE my job!! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I feel like I was made to do this at this point in my life. Some Mommy’s do not. It doesn’t make me any better or worse, just different. So, to the person who said to me, “Since you’re a stay at home Mommy, I guess your house is always clean.” – No. Even though I’m home all day, my house is not always clean. It’s filled with toys, sticky floors, snotty noses, dirty diapers, spilled snacks, screaming, whining, crying and laughing. It’s a classroom, a doctor’s office, a GIANT playroom and sometimes even an enormous jungle gym, but clean all the time, it is not. Maybe one day it will be. Then I will have mastered the art of being Mommy Do-It-All.
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