Losing Logan

I am the mother of two beautiful children. In my eyes they are proof of a Grace that is so Great it is beyond comparison or words. I have a wonderful, hard-working husband who also happens to be a great father. I am a blessed and happy woman. I don’t know what you personally believe in, but I am a believer in God’s everlasting love. He loved me though a very hard time in my life. He loved me though losing Logan …. And it has been put upon my heart to share my story with you. Maybe my experience can help another woman out there who needs peace, like I once needed it.

When my son, my first child, was born, it was everything that everyone tells you but can never truly explain. He was the most beautiful and perfect being I had ever set my eyes on and I was madly in love with him immediately. We brought him home and it was my first taste of being a Mommy Do-It-All. I was filled with a need to care for him myself, with no help. I felt it was my job to raise this child, and everyone else could help along the way if they wanted. My body was in the midst of returning to a somewhat normal place and was changing daily. So imagine my surprise, when 5 months after my son’s birth date, I realized I might be pregnant again. I was filled with shock and panic when the two pink lines immediately popped up on that pregnancy test. There was no way I could do this!! I was much too busy with my son to even think about another child this early!! How could I have let this happen?!?! I DON’T WANT THIS RIGHT NOW!! This may sound selfish to everyone reading it, and believe me, it pains me to remember feeling this way, but I did. I was very upset when I found out I was pregnant, when my son was only 5 months old. The days went on, and we began telling close family and friends and also figured out that I was probably about 8 weeks pregnant already… I was probably just too busy to notice earlier. I was getting more and more used to the idea and excitement and happiness began to take the place where shock and panic had once been. My heart would be even fuller than ever!! Another baby to love the way I love my son. It’s a miracle really. How could I not be thankful for such a miracle!! I embraced this new baby and began making plans for Logan. That was the baby’s name. Girl or boy, he or she would be Logan.

My first appointment for Logan would be at 12 weeks. I couldn’t wait to see the little baby on the ultrasound screen!! The Friday before my Monday appointment came, and I was met with the fact that something could be wrong. I called my doctor and they assured me that spotting could be perfectly normal, but to come on in and we would check it out, just to be sure. I called my husband, who was immediately on his way to meet me at the doctor’s office. With my small son in his infant seat in the back of the car, I drove and I prayed for Logan. Once at the doctor’s office, they took us back to the ultrasound room to take a look. My doctor was quiet, too quiet the entire time. She showed me what was what, which I already knew a lot about since having my son. But there was one thing that wasn’t the same. There was no little flicker of a heart beating. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I never cried when she told me I lost the baby. I just said “okay”, but when she left the room, I broke down in my husband’s arms.

I was so angry with myself. I had started off not wanting this baby, and now I couldn’t have Logan. How could I have thought those things when I found out I was pregnant?? Am I being punished for not realizing this gift that was given to me?? It took me awhile, but I realized my gift!!!! I wanted this baby!! I wanted Logan!! There is no easy way to go through a miscarriage. I don’t know what’s worse. Losing your child when you have no other children to lean on, or losing your child and knowing EXACTLY what you had just lost. Either way Logan was gone, and I was deeply hurting. I can remember the day it happened. I was sitting, feeling sorry for myself once again. I was so mad that I had lived those few days where I had not wanted Logan. It tore me apart. I was reliving those three days … Constantly reliving them and getting more and more furious with myself. But peace was mine. The Lord showered me with it. I felt Him speaking to me and telling me that it was all okay. I HAD wanted Logan. Even in my shock and dismay in the beginning, I had wanted Logan. Even on those few days when I was feeling that way, I would have never let anyone take Logan away from me. That baby was mine and I had loved it. Sadness was okay, but regret was not. I loved Logan.

The days went on, and each got easier, though the pain of losing a baby still hits me. I hear the name Logan sometimes, and I smile now. Because I have a Logan too. I went on to have my daughter. She is a blessing and my heart is so full because of her and my son. I never have a day that goes by that I do not realize how blessed I am. I cried during some points as I wrote this. Not because of regret, but because of hope and faith. I was meant to raise these two beautiful children God gave me. I was meant to shape them, mold them and be their mother here on this earth. I was not meant to do those things with my Logan, but that doesn’t mean that Logan isn’t waiting for me. I have many loved ones that have passed, and I can’t help but believe they will be standing there in Heaven, holding my Logan when I get there. Then it will be my turn to finally hold that angel child. What a blessing to have something so precious to look forward to. My hope is, that if someone else has gone through, is going through, or someday has a miscarriage, you will remember the faith that grew in me after Losing Logan. It was on my heart to share this, so I am sure it was meant for someone. I hope it gets to them when they need it.